Friday, October 19, 2007

Questions Answered, More Raised?

So, the storm, the Diet Coke, the hairy pits, it all has a common goal, knitting. I'm going to stop living near other humans, and I need to accustom myself to not having luxury items like razors and Diet Coke because I am going to live in a stormy shack and knit my own pit hair.

NO!

When normal people decide to make a stand against an injustice they say something like

"WAR IS BAD! I will not eat/shave/wear a bra/drink Diet Coke until war is over!!!!"

Well, I can't do what normal people do, so I stopped shaving awhile ago in general protest. If I happen across a Peace Rally, I fit right in and can hold a sign up with hairy pit pride! GM strike? I was a sister in the 7 hour struggle!

Now the Diet Coke. I was listening to the Diane Rehm Show on the way to Zombie Prom Date Knitters and it was all Secret History of the War on Cancer .

So of course I got all freaked out about aspartame and genetically engineered mice and evil pharmaceutical companies taking over the world and Voltron not being able to save me in time and, and the guys from the comic book store will realize that I don't shave and that most of my nerd knowledge is just because I read entertainment weekly and they occasionally have a comic book review section, and I ask the Ogre background comic mythology rather than read 20 years worth of comics (I like graphic novels better) so when the meek actually do inherit the earth I won't get my aspartame induced brain tumor removed by the Super Twin Nerd Brain Trust Surgeons because I am a poseur.

Did I mention this new insanity started right before Pig 3's tonsils were yanked from his head?

So, now to the storm.

The Pigs saw the News Team 8 Storm Tracker Weather Map at 7 and gathered all their books and babies and went to the basement. The unfinished, home of cat litter box, unused exercise equipment, lead filled Thomas the Train table, baby crib mattress and Rosemary's baby installed evil furnace basement.

Sadly, paranoia is hereditary.

Let's do a quick run down of stupid from this week.

1. Massive multiple Pig dumps. Toilet floods, I plunge, get splash back into face. Wash face, hand sanitize face. Eat the Ogre's $4.99 gourmet Dagoba Birthday candy bar. I deserved it.

2. Really bad at scheduling suddenly has to be places. Pulls it off. Wants to relax at home. Finds 4 horses running loose in neighborhood. Treats Pigs to Pizza and Mall outing.

3. Tornado Warning!!! Hide in basement, sleep in livingroom, donuts for dinner, blow off new job in order to spend time with Pigs and veg out in PJS.

Where the hell is the mighty Ogre? He's on a Zombie Slaying Field Training Activity! Not only do I have to patrol our zone, but take care of the Pigs, and manage Horses, toilets and ruddy tornados.

Screw the brain cancer and War! I slept on the spidery un finished basement floor. Sure we didn't die.

But I will not shave until my basement is remodeled into a lovely tornado safe zone.

Kristina, feel free to come over for Zombie Prom Date Knitters Night when our basement is done! I plan on having a guest room in our basement!

Screw Battle Creek. The eye of the storm hovered over our house for like a half hour. Luckily, mystery caller woke us up and told us to get out of the basement.

As for me, what lovies did I bring to the basement? The 3 Pigs, my Zombie Prom Date Knit Bag and my passport. You know, in case I landed in Oz, I wanted to get my passport stamped.

4 comments:

Kristina B said...

Thanks for the fulsome answer to all the queries, Holly. Book me in to the first available slot in the basement room, please.

You forgot to mention that pit hair is attractive in many parts of Europe... I don't know the last time I shaved mine, myself. I'll tell people at work it's a protest against the war, though!

dee's brother said...

Open letter to the Ogre - STOP THE PIT HAIR MADDNESS! HAIR = BAD! BALD IS BEAUTIFUL!

Holly Bee said...

Chi McBride is bald, and on tv he knits...Hey! Shaq is bald and an Ogre! I'm starting to see a connection here!

I like bald too!

dee's brother, do you know any contractors who do basement work in Michigan?

Not dee's spouse, he's crazy.

Kristina B said...

Bald is good... on the head.