How did I tell the Ogre "Happy Birthday" this year? Oh, in a very special way of course.
Yesterday I went over to his parents new house in Michigan, which they will be moving into (still) today. I decided that it would be nice of me to go in, flush the toilets, make sure there were no mice, or any other creepy things going on over there. You know like, hobos or meth labs.
Of course to check for mice, hobos and meth labs, I take Pig 2. He's built like a mini linebacker. What mean weapons do I have? Well, against mice, a shovel. Hobos and meth labs? I guess the plan was to lure them out with food, my surly good use of swear words and my cell phone. Really, I was mostly worried about the toilets and the mice. They live in a really nice neighborhood.
But, all the lids to the toilets were left closed, so the toilets couldn't "breathe" and one toilet was flushing nasty black sludge water. Then I got all freaked out and I was like
"Oh my wonderful pathway to enlightenment! What if this toilet tank is full of black mold and I am breathing in it's fumes and I am going to die of the black lung? PIG 2 GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!!!"
So, we dropped anchor and got the hell out of there in a brief episode of paranoia. Which sometimes happens when you have three little pigs and you stay home with them and your only exposure to the outside world is NPR and a once a week knit group with the name Zombie Prom Date Knitters.
If you also throw in that I'm a Medical Lab Tech, I used to work in the Microbiology Department at an Evil Pharmaceutical Company, and a PhD at the CDC says I have a job working for her whenever I want one, uh, makes me know more than I need to about creepy, creepy stuff.
This all leads to me locking my house keys into the Ogre's Parents new house. How did I drive away? Well, that's what the Zombie Prom Date Knitters asked too. I separate my keys because I do this sort of thing quite often. I figure with house and car keys apart my odd them both being someplace stupid are lower.
I also keep a house key in my wallet because I am prone to locking myself out. We really just need a retinal scan house lock. That would be easiest.
So, on his birthday, instead of going to get a girly mocha-chino-frappa-super-ogre-latte with whip creme and sprinkles, he went to save my house keys. I really think it was because he thought the movers would find them, figure out where we live and then come kill us in our sleep, but it was still really sweet.
That also goes along with the good deeds to counteract being foolish. Yeah, that's why everyone got stuff from me at Zombie Prom Date. I fouled up the Ogre's birthday, again, as always. You try and get Ogre sized gifts. It sucks. Everything has to be ruddy special ordered. I can't keep a secret. Right. So put my two fatal flaws together, keeping secrets and timing. Wow, you might as well put me in a bird cage and ask me to not talk and make it a complete nightmare.
So, happy birthday Ogre! Your size 15, cool as hell custom made Chucks should be here next week. The elves are sewing their little fingers to the bone.