Semi Human

If this coffee is what ass tastes like, I will never lick a donkey.

But I'm drinking it, I'm drinking it for you.

Why drink it for you? To function as a semi decent human, I must have caffeine. It's a drug and it should be regulated. The Pigs aren't allowed to have it. They beg for it. They fiend for it. I say NO! You don't want to be addicted like me.

So why am I drinking ass flavored coffee. I can only guess that ass is similar to this coffee when I tell you it smells like poo and tastes worse. I'm stuck with what I have at home. What I have at home is ass.

Again, why drink it? Why not go to my sweet little local coffee shop? My town is so small, the coffee shop is closed on Sunday. Not even for religious reasons. The guy just needs a day off.

I could go to the Beer Cave and see if Paul makes a decent cup of joe, but I don't care to drink coffee from a Styrofoam cup. Plus, it's like admitting defeat, and the ass is already here.

Chips Ahoy!

Today I picked up 50 freshly baked cookies from C&M Catering for tomorrow's Kidney Walk. For this task I was allowed the privileged of driving my own car. Sadly, I made the mistake of not eating breakfast before hand.

Empty stomach, wholesome goodness, and a 30 minute drive home. Which was made longer because I was edged out of my turn by a convoy of classic cars. I was never going to make it home without pulling over and eating a plate of donated food. This is how embezzlement starts. I was one bite away from insider trading, crocheting the Martha Stewart Poncho and being Enron.

It's ok, I reached into my new sherpani backpack


and grabbed an emergency snack bar.

The cookies were saved! Walk Ahoy!

I really like Ahoy!

Followed by Rats and Hobos

I borrowed the Ogre's Durango to pick up soda yesterday. Think mini van on truck base. I say this because it looks like a mini, but it doesn't have the sliding doors, and it rides like a truck.

Now, the Ogre won't give me my car back. Sure, sure a person could say "well, you did fill his vehicle up with cases of dusty, sticky soda that were at the back of a rat infested warehouse for who knows how long. Who'd want to drive that."

But no. He likes to shoe horn himself into the clown car better. He says it's like driving a go cart, and he likes it. I may never get my car back.

So if you see a Durango, way out in a parking lot, surrounded by rats and hobos that were lured in by the smell of ancient soda from a by gone era permeating from the vehicle, it's mine.

My Math's not Great

I told my poor friend Sarah I had 400 cases of soda to pick up and I wouldn't be able to go to the Kings game today.

She called me back a couple minutes later and said "uh Holly, I was thinking about how much soda that is, and I think it will break your car. Do you know how many cans of pop that is?"

"My math's not great, but more than will fit in a Mazda 5?"

"Yeah, you'd need a small semi, it's 9600 cans."

"I think I meant to say 400 cans of soda. I hope."

There really is a lot here

I have a huge backpack I carry around, and here's why:

This doesn't even include my emergency knitting project. I had to pull that out because I blew my nose on it in a moment of desperation last week. Hey, remember, don't accept a gift washcloth from knit with snot, because really, it has been knit with snot.

So the Ogre asks, "what's with all the buttons, you never finish anything."

I have this cute Little Miss Chatterbox Pencil Case I put all my sewing stuff in.
I'll just throw them in there, never to be seen again.

The Ogre, ever witty replies "Shouldn't your sewing bag say Little Miss Under Motivated?"

After mocking my buttons, he moves on to my stamps, "Are you going to need to mail a bunch of letters in 2004?"

"Yes, and I am prepared with 1 cent stamps in case Einstein and I happen to take the worm hole for a spin to 2005 and need to pay our gravity bill then too. I'm prepared, just not up to date."

"I can accept that." He says, "but the broken watch?"

"It's sentimental, it's my Dad's."

"He's not even dead. You see him once a week." The Ogre inspects the watch closer. "Is that a $10 Kmart Casio watch?"

"Yeah, the watch can go."


Hey, you know the shawl blanket thing I'm working on for Andrea's Dad? Well, it's not just ugly, it is magic!! It made Laura fall right asleep!!


Right, the so ugly a person can't bear to look at it may still hold true.

Here's something pretty to reset your brain:

Jill's lovely lace work. This will also have the glory of beads sewn in. I can't even manage to get all my ends woven in, and she's going to sew in beads. Amazing.

After Koffee Klutch some Zombie Prom Date Knitters went over to Grange work day to mock me while I worked on baby quilts.

Yeah, mock me while I do charity work. Charity work. You can't mock a person while they do charity work, you feel bad, and then you join in...


Actually, Elizabeth has a mad desire to learn to quilt and jumped right in. She also has a mean competitive streak and was all "Snap, I've got 4 rows done, what row are you on?"

Ok, she never said snap. But she was always a row ahead of me. I am Little Miss Under Motivated Chatterbox.


A Big Thank You to Roland (Grandpa) for staying late so we could have a late work day!!!

Prom Desses AHOY!

I totally stole this photo from Spinsanity, but well, yeah, like she said some actually Zombie Prom Date Knitters went to Prom, so it must be documented.

To counteract this photo, I will tell dumb things I did this weekend. It will make Chrystal feel better.

I was trying to flip the composter, and got stuck on top of it. I had to have Pig 1 go inside to get the Ogre to help get me down. The Ogre asked why I didn't just jump. So I showed him.

When I leaned forward to jump, my ass out weighed my front and started to throw me into the fence. It was like my own awesome back yard rodeo, with all the neighborhood kids watching!

Things I found in the back yard:
A snake, baby robins, a golf ball. A rose bush that is in league with the zombies to take over the world. It has been removed from the premises on numerous occasions and has been crawling it's way back. It's finally made it to the fence, and damn that thing is pretty. Plus, it took all that time to grow from the field, why argue with it now.

Things I've learned. My knitting is magic. As soon as I try on the mitered square, turned log cabin shawl thing to see if it's big enough, I fall asleep.

Magic, right.

So it's either so ugly I can't stand to look at it, or this whole lawn work thing may be why no knitting is getting done.

What was the Ogre doing? He made pies.

Pretty Flowers come at a Price

Miracle Grow, the connect to the hose kind, says all over it "keep away from children" "DANGER" blah, blah, blah.

Pig 3 and I had the this is a dangerous chemical stay away talk. Then I stuck my thumb into the jug while removing the protective covering. I will have one long thumb. SWEET! I will become a hitchhiker!

I when I finally got it screwed onto the hose and the water running, the dangerous chemicals then would not dissolve. I think it was because I am generally opposed to dangerous chemicals and I was still having my mixed feelings.

I had so much trouble with it I feel, they should also add "keep away from hippies." I think I'll try again tomorrow, while wearing deodorant.

A Letter to beasts

Dear Hummingbirds, ticks, and The Ogre,

Hummingbirds: I picked up your flower basket. Stop bomb diving me. I know, I know, you love half dead, unwatered flowers all summer, and this house is your favorite house to get them at. I did not forget to get them for you. Go, go check. Already wilted and in need of water just the way you like them.

Ticks: That was really awesome the way you sent an agent into the coffee shop on a Kamikaze mission to send a message. Yeah, I get it, the lawn needs mowed and you will move into the territory from the back field if I don't do something about it.

Well, tick army. You've got me there. But I will be using chemical warfare in retaliation. So, you have been warned.

Ogre, dear sweet Ogre: While you have been off drinking sweet tea in the land of plenty I have been dusting ceiling fans and fighting the good fight. The Pigs are covered in ticks, please come home. Oh, and I got a new back pack. It's green.

Holly

Knitters-The only knitting I've done was to pull out my emergency knitting I carry around in my back pack and blow my nose on it. Do not accept a knitted wash cloth from me in the near future. It has in fact been knit with snot.

I feel like crap, and I know why

Is it from looking at the color green?

I was sitting on couch watching the news, sniffling, under a blanket, aching all over, and my throat hurt, my head hurt and I just wanted to die. I totally freaked out when the news started listing off my symptoms:

"cough, sore throat, runny or stuffy nose, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue." Holy crap, H1N1 symptoms! I have swine flu, the dreaded heinie?? No, it's just a result from being around the Pigs.

I thought, I don't have a cough. Just then I started hacking. But it was more related to the broccoli slaw in my sandwich and the mustard I dribbled down my shirt than actual illness, but, still, symptom, on list.

Plus, why was I eating a sandwich during the 11 o'clock news? That goes along with sore throat. It was Tuesday, I had Dude Duties at Cub Scouts. I find that my voice is heard better if I just go ahead and carry on like a 7-10 year old. That means yell. It's fun.

Stuffy nose. I live behind a field. Ok, I haven't mowed the back yard. Because when I do I get the sniffles. Plus, have you looked at the pollen charts...the pollen is off the charts. It's all in my nose.

Chills? I'm still cold from this.

Mary hid inside. Real charitable Mary. I'm dying, but you stayed dry. Yes, I'm whining. I got some awesome deals and you all didn't and all I had to do is get cold and maybe develop pneumonia.

Fatigue.

The Pigs.

Yeah, well, I have awesome friends who are always inviting me to cool events.

Then after events.
The zombie prom date knitters. Jax, sassying up the joint in her Print o' the I'm the fastest knitter shawl.

Now, they're taking up basket weaving. Don't do it Elizabeth! You're already being tricked into quilting. Plus your boyfriend is a baker. Your life will be a weird nursery rhyme.

Linda shows off her handy work.
Plus all the zombie slaying.

Then yesterday we had to do some tick slaying.

So, again, I think this just gets filed under I do stupid things.

Adventure at Home

Because I like to do stupid things, I decided to clean the ceiling fan blades in my bedroom. Oh, did I mention I hate spending money on things I know I can "get for cheaper" or "do myself?" Yeah, this in fact lead to awesome.

So while I was standing on the stool on top of my bed that I took out of the garbage while in Shipshewana, I needed help. Oh, you don't know Shipshewana? It's in Indiana. Amish country friends. I have a counter stool that was no longer good enough for the thrifty, "buttons are too flashy" Amish. I asked Pig 3 (he's 4) to hand me the broom. No, no. I did not pay the $10 to buy an adjustable duster on a stick, I had the broom. The same broom that I recently swept the garage out with-sanitary.

As I started to wobble, I again asked Pig 3 a question "Hey, you do know how to dial 911, right?"

"I'm not supposed to mess with the God damn phone, I might accidentally call 911."

"Right. Could you hold the stool for me."

I now have a very clean ceiling fan, and a Pig with excellent attention to detail.

Quick Reminder. Like YOU'D forget

So, I'm reading the Kalamazoo Gazette on Friday, and there's a glorious 2 page ad about the National Kidney Foundation's May 31st Walk at the Celery Flats in Portage. It may as well have said Holly B of Knit with Snot fights zombies and knits sort of wonky.


Please remember to join me at the Walk Sunday, May 31st at the Celery Flats. Registration is at noon, the walk starts at 1:00. If you can't walk, but would like to support me and the team, click the link! Thanks!

3 in 1

Yesterday was pretty rocker.

I snuck into Your Local Yarn Shop in Battle Creek.

Look what greets you as you walk in...


Rebecca's sweater!! She's like a famous knitter now!

I just wanted to check out this whole knitting campfire thing thing.

It was worth it it. Very Clever.

Look at that table of Cascade 220, all at 20% off.

No, I didn't buy anything. I really did just stop in to say hi. I can do that, I'm a friend not just a customer. I think so anyway.

Plus, I need that orange hempathy from Fabrications and I'm not buying any other yarn until I get it.

Well, except there is that little thing coming up at Stitching Memories this weekend. What? Name dropping 3 yarn shops in one post? No, I have no loyalties when it comes to deals.

Stitching Memories is having a Charity Yarn Stash thing this Saturday. I'm not certain, but it screams DEALS to me.

Official Details from Stitching Memories:

YARN/STITCHING STASH SALE – Who doesn’t like a sale? Many of us have yarns, kits, books, etc. that we wonder “what was I thinking” when I bought that? Like many normal women our color favorite’s change or we just couldn’t live without that lovely yarn or couldn’t resist a “Sale”. Now is the time to lighten your stash of the things that you will never touch. One woman’s cast offs are another woman’s treasures.

Our goal is twofold in this stash sale. 1. Lighten our stash 2. Give a % of our sales to your choice of 3 area charities. You can choose what % you donate and to which charity you prefer. They are Kalamazoo Gospel Mission, YWCA Domestic Assault Crisis Program or Portage Community Outreach Center to help out others in our area that need assistance.

DATE: Our 2nd Yarn/Stitching Sale is set for Saturday, May 16 from 10-2 pm. This is your chance to meet, chat, and lighten your stash or add to it, either works. Please help by spreading the word to your friends and family. Rain date is May 30.

LOCATION: Stitching Memories parking lot.

COST: $5.00 if you need to rent a table.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW: Reserve a table space to show your goods. If you are providing your own table, I still need you to sign up so that we have a space for you.

WHAT YOU NEED TO DO: You need to clearly mark/label all of your merchandise with your name & price. Bring a lawn chair to sit on.

WHAT WE WILL DO: There will be one central check out that we will manage, so you do not need to have a cash box. At the end of the sale we will add up everyone’s tally and distribute funds. (You might want some cash, because someone else’s treasures may have to go home with you.) Anyone who donates a % of their proceeds will receive a 20% coupon to the store.

Any questions on the stash sale, please call the shop at 552-9276.

Then Pam and I had lunch at Oye Amigo's in Marshall. If you want to work up a great gut ache, this is your place. (If you'd then like to wish you owned stock in tums, finish your evening off with some Chinese barfet sushi-please tell my why I make poor food choices?) We got a good tip on a consignment shop in the Creek and I scored these...

Yes, a brand new pair of Birks for the low, low price of $12. Nice.

It was My Style, Your Style over by the Red Lobster on Capitol in the Creek. Good luck getting there, or anywhere in Battle Creek with the bridge out. I knew that bridge was bad. You could see the rebar. (I don't know if that's how you spell it, but you know the stuff I mean.)

Now for today, it started pretty wicked awesome too...

Farm Fresh WonderWhyAlpaca Farm Eggs

Wait! Alpaca's don't lay eggs!

Fried up by Pig 2.

I'm liking this.

Plus now I'm trying out this Fiber Arts Friday stuff...
with the Alpaca Farm Girl (she's from twitter)

MLT Shortage...I'm not a Phleb

I am a ASCP registered Medical Laboratory Technician in the state of Michigan. I am currently not working. I could go back to work, but I choose not to.

I was just sent this information:

On 96.5 radio news today the story was U of M saying there's a shortage of lab techs and how important "these professionals" are when trying to get quick results tracking the H1N1 flu. She said there's not enough trained people now that the older techs are retiring, plus the aging population that needs more lab tests.

Here's my list of demands:

1. Treat the lab staff with the respect they deserve. From the phlebotomist up.

2. Know that I am not a God damn phlebotomist. I mean you no disrespect phlebotomists of the world. But really people, really.

Typical duties as a medical lab tech will likely include the following:

• Monitoring tests and procedures
• Preparing blood, urine and tissue specimens for analysis
• Using sophisticated laboratory equipment to look for bacteria, parasites and other microorganisms
• Analyzing the chemical content of fluids
• Matching blood for transfusions
• Testing for drug levels in the blood to show how a patient is responding to treatment

They may specialize in the areas of chemistry, hematology, cytotechnology, immunology, virology, blood banking or microbiology. *info taken from this site

3.Sign on Bonus.

Yeah, I'm holding out for a sign on bonus. If there is such a shortage, show me the money. Nurses, eh, also a 2 year degree, get $5000 minimum. Want to stop hearing me whine about a flat screen tv and working volume control, let's talk sign on bonus.

It says "sophisticated laboratory equipment" I can run that, work that, and analyze your blood, urine, semen (if you've got it) stool, cerebral spinal fluid, on that, if and when I want to. Well, if you treat me right.

Until then, I might go give it away for free at the Kalamazoo Free Clinic.

Ooooh, due to my research assistant work with Shelly Field I may be most skilled primate parasitologist in the state of Michigan. Yeah. Top that. I have mad skillz.

(Any of you call me a phlebotomist again, it's not going to be pretty. Really. 2 years of school, show me some respect.)

Again with the flaming cheese

The Zombie Prom Date Knitters had an evening training outing at Theo & Stacy's.

Local Dawn worked on her spinning, turns out, everything's better with a Spinsanity Spindle.

Trish and Andrea assumed the pose. I may have to get it trade marked.

There's Kristi on the left and Dawn from Ireland on the right.

Dawn moved all the way from Ireland to slay zombies with us. I hope she doesn't regret her decision.

We had the Flaming Cheese.

and by golly, they didn't kick us out, they actually invited us back. Who knew all we ever needed was a restaurant with loose flame policies and a statue of Poseidon over the bar.

Next month, we'll be back! We're looking at Wednesday June 10th-Same time, same Place. Some one needs to teach this girl to knit. Plus bring a baby gift. Yes, we're throwing a baby shower for our waitress.


But, it's to make up for being so loud.


(Oooh, the Ogre's starting to think that knitters are turning into almost as big a problem as zombies and he's going to have to start using the shovel on them too.)

I'll get you my pretty

There comes a time in every zombie slayer's life when fear makes them do amazing things. For me, that time was yesterday.

Pig 3 wanted to go for a long bike ride, so we went up to a local trail. It's 1.5 miles one way. I thought "cool, I can time myself, double the time and compare it to Sunday's 5k."

There was a train parked along the trail. No big deal, the path is next to a train track, trains go by all the time. But as my cute sweet little Pig was riding his bike, I was thinking, what if this train is full of zombies? I walked faster.

But wait, this was a train. A train wouldn't just be full of zombies, it would be full of road weary, laid off, forgotten by the world, rage filled, hobo zombies!!!!

Fear filled my heart, I had no shovel. I was out for a leisurely stroll, and some competitive walk training with Pig 3, I wasn't carrying garden tools. I did know if I walked fast enough, there was a tool shed at the end of the path. I could defend my Pig, and any exercisers with what was in there. Except extreme naturally physically fit lady, she could help slay, or be zombie fodder.

As I made it to the end of the trail, I check my timer, 19 minutes. 19 minutes? Why, double that, and that would be a 38 minute 5k. That's almost on pace with my bionic woman 5k dominating next door neighbor Julie.

I heard the train pull away, the danger was past. I walked up to a trail security guy. I checked his name badge.

"Uh, Jim, what was up with the train?"

"Compost, just transporting compost."

"Damn it Jim, I'm a zombie slayer, not an idiot!"

"Government testing just didn't seem like the go to answer."

When Summer's here, I'm Leaving!

MINI CABIN BITCHES!!!

I don't mean you are bitches, I mean the people who reserved a mini cabin and didn't really want it and cancelled their reservations are bitches. So, like a shiny, shiny star I swooped in and got it. They toss it, and leave it, and I pull up quick to retrieve it.

Anyway you look at it, I'm going camping in the sweet, sweet, mini cabin, with the Pigs, THE OGRE, and you all will have to keep the home fires blazing and clear of zombies when I'm out hiking in the woods. Because hey, even a zombie slayer needs a vacation, if you can call training with werewolves a vacation.

Oh! The Insanity!

Remember how I've been saying the Pigs have been in training? Well, they have been. For a 5k.
Yes, I'm that Mom.

Creepy, competitive and sweat suit wearing. Sadly I'm not super thin, my hair isn't super blonde and I don't have a boob job. Heck, I don't even have a tv with working volume, but I'm working on it.

It's sick. We even signed Pig 3 up for the Baby Bolt. He got a medal.


How'd the other Pigs do? Pig 1 placed 3rd with 47:51 and Pig 2 placed 4th with 49:06 for the 14 and under boys age group. Yeah. Pig 1 was skipping at the 2 mile marker. We were holding him back.

What's this? Is this a Dr Who Scarf?

Nope. It's my Bastardization of the Mason Dixon Knitters Bubbly Curtain!! Wahahaaa!

Now does it look more familiar?

Ok, whatever, check out the book, it's a curtain.

As for my nightmare, or rather I should say, Print o' the wave, Morning Glory wrap, no, shawl, no scarf, no I was right the first time when I said nightmare, yeah, this...

I actually call it "It's not you, it's me" because I've broken up with it so many times. Anyway, if you look at the mess part the first part is all tight and tiny because I was all stressed out and traumatized over the knitting and reknitting.


But the second half is all what ever, can you pass the dutchie from the left hand side, and then the doritos, all loose and sassy.

I, unlike some people we know, cough, hack, point, Spinsanity, will not be reknitting this one hundred times, because I will be wearing this in Florida. Why does this make a difference? Because everyone will be checking out how awesome my hair looks not how crappy my shawl is.

Are you still confused? The sweet, sweet Florida weather that makes cheerleader hair frizz out, turns me into a Charlie's Angel. Any Charlie's Angel. It's freaking magic.

I think I heard that wrong

Things have been exciting around these parts. Pig 2 had a program entitled "It's a Small World." Besides featuring the ear bug song, we learned little known facts about the world. Like did you know in England they have Sex with Tea? Truly! Spoken by a 1st grader at an assembly. Brilliant.

Plus to add to the excitement, my lovely Pig decided he was too warm during the production and started removing his pants. What kind of school am I sending my kids to! The best Michigan can provide friends, the best Michigan can provide.

Actually, it was warm in the gym and he had those zip off leg pants, so it really wasn't as bad as it sounds. It looked very odd. As for the sex with tea, that was really said. I believe she meant SNACKS with tea.

Overall, BEST PROGRAM YET!! Really though, we've had some stinkers. I believe I have been quoted as saying "I think I would prefer the waterboarding."

It's Percy Jackson Day!!

Pig #1 and I have been eagerly awaiting today, May 5th, Cinco de Mayo. Yes, as it turns out, he's a huge politico and Mexican beer drinker. No, really, he's more of a tequila guy.

Why today? It's the release of the final Percy Jackson book, The Last Olympian!!

What!! You, and your Harry Potter loving/Twilight secret book reading self hasn't discovered the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series by Rick Riordan?? Wow. Ok.

Uh, the first one is called The Lightening Thief. Here is the summary from Rick Riordan's site:

What if the gods of Olympus were alive in the 21^st Century? What if they still fell in love with mortals and had children who might become great heroes — like Theseus, Jason and Hercules?

What if you were one of those children?

Such is the discovery that launches twelve-year-old Percy Jackson on the most dangerous quest of his life. With the help of a satyr and a daughter of Athena, Percy must journey across the United States to catch a thief who has stolen the original weapon of mass destruction – Zeus’ master bolt. Along the way, he must face a host of mythological enemies determined to stop him. Most of all, he must come to terms with a father he has never known, and an Oracle that has warned him of betrayal by a friend.


Sure, it's recommended reading for ages 10 and up, but you are over 10 aren't you? It's been a great series to share with Pig #1 and opened the door to the fun of Greek Mythology. Plus, I have enjoyed the heck out of the books myself and can't wait to read this one!

Additional info: I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and tried to play the "wow, is there a new Percy Jackson book yet? Oh, really it comes out May 5th, not May 4th? Are you sure?"

Yes, I tried to trick someone into selling me a copy early. I was just trying to surprise Pig #1.

So, to celebrate the day were having as much blue food as we can put together and cheese enchiladas.

Kidney Kozy Update

Here are the current stats on the Kidney Kozy Project:

Kidney Kozy Project
An idea came about that dialysis patients may get cold. This idea was confirmed. The
Kidney Kozies concept evolved.

A project went into the works.

The Kalamazoo Knit and Crochet Meet up Group was Challenged by the Zombie Prom Date Knitters-who can make more Kozies?

What is a Kidney Kozy you ask? A shawl to keep Dialysis Patients warm.

Where are these Dialysis Patients? Right here in Kalamazoo! (Also Calhoun County, but really, Dialysis stinks no matter where you get it done.)

15 were delivered last month to Sue at Fresenius Medical Care in Kalamazoo.

Then I picked up Kozies on Saturday


Let the AWESOME begin!



It took 3 people to hold up Super Star Tina's Kozies!!


17 were dropped off Saturday by the wonderful Kalamazoo Knit and Crochet Meet up Group!!

Others were dropped off earlier...
(more photos should go here, but really, I can't find them-I will continue the search.)

Thank you all so much.
As a representative of the Zombie Prom Date Knitters, I admit defeat! You, Kalamazoo Knit and Crochet Meet up Group WIN the Kidney Kozy Smack Down!!!

(Our group still has a better name)
Your prize was green and orange cake. I hope you loved it. It was made with love.


This is what my coach looked like covered in Kozies. I rather liked it.


Then I found more.

Which brings the Grand total to 43!

No, I'm not keeping any.

I swear I was just testing it out.